It is with great difficulty I lift my plume to parchment. Something deep within me fights to get out. I need to explain but I can not ever explain. Try as I might I cant find the words, for they escape me as soon as I try to open my mouth and vocalize. I am always lost. Though I try and hide it all - I feel detached and numb. Its as if my heart wants to speak but my mind wants to run from reality. A reality I can never change or put behind me. Why cant I be rid of it? The pain, the memories, the anxiety, the tears, the stress, the heartache, the anger burn inside me. A slow burn - and yet I am so cold. Normal actions are difficult as if my mind and body are frozen.

On the inside it feels as if I have been stabbed over and over again. I am retreating deeper and deeper and the voice...that voice...follows me. Why does it insist on drowning me - sickening me - killing me? Is that the only way this will end? Are there any answers to my questions? All these thoughts and emotions revolve endlessly around me. When I sleep, when I am awake - everything is becoming so hazy and I feel as if I am loosing myself...separating from myself...loosing all control. I fear others are noticing something is off and I cant stop it...I am no great actress. I cant hide my mind so I hide myself. And my head, oh how it hurts! I must have done something awful...so dreadfully and tragically awful in a previous life...a previous time of which I have no recollection.